How to Support a Friend Going Through Hard Times

By Gentle Exercise Routines for Better Mental Wellbeing
Comments 35
17 Aug 2026

How to Support a Friend Going Through Hard Times

Start by listening, not fixing

When someone we care about is struggling, our instinct is usually to solve the problem. We offer solutions, compare their situation to something we have been through, or try to reassure them that it will all work out. It comes from a good place, but it rarely lands well. Someone in the middle of a hard time often does not need answers; they need to feel less alone in it.

So the first and most useful thing you can do is listen. Properly, without steering the conversation. Ask an open question — "How have things been this week?" rather than "Are you feeling better?" — and then let the silence sit if they need it. Resist the urge to fill gaps with advice. If you catch yourself about to say "You should…", try "That sounds really exhausting" instead.

Listening without judgement means not flinching at what they tell you. If they admit they have not left the house in days, or that they have been drinking more, or that they are behind on rent, your job is not to react with alarm. It is to stay steady and keep the conversation open. You can be concerned and calm at the same time.

Get specific about practical help

"Let me know if you need anything" is a lovely sentiment and almost completely useless. When someone is overwhelmed, working out what they need and then asking for it is another task on an already impossible list. Vague offers put the labour back on them.

Specific offers are far easier to accept. These might include:

Doing a supermarket shop and dropping it at their door, with a receipt so they can pay you back when they are able.
Driving them to a GP appointment, a hospital visit or a benefits meeting, and waiting in the car park.
Taking their children out for an afternoon so they can sleep or simply sit in a quiet house.
Cooking double on Sunday and leaving a portion on their doorstep on Monday.
Sitting with them while they open post they have been avoiding, or helping them draft a difficult email.
Covering a shift, walking the dog, or picking up a prescription on your own way home.

Notice that these offers include a clear task, a clear time and no requirement for them to host you. That last part matters. Having a guest can be exhausting even when you love them. A text saying "I'm dropping a lasagne round at six, no need to answer the door" can be an enormous relief.

Keep checking in — and expect the third week dip

Most people get a burst of support in the first few days. Cards, messages, offers, flowers. Then life moves on, and the person is still in the middle of it, now with an emptier phone. The quiet stretch after the initial flurry is often the loneliest part.

Regular, low-demand contact works better than grand gestures. A short message with no expectation of a reply — "Thinking of you. No need to answer, just didn't want you to feel forgotten" — allows them to engage when they have capacity and ignore it when they do not. Set a reminder in your phone if that helps. Once a week for a few months will do more good than daily contact for a fortnight followed by silence.

Also, mark the anniversaries. The first Christmas after a bereavement, the date of a diagnosis, the day a relationship ended. These are often harder than the event itself, and people are often too polite to mention what day it is.

Say the awkward thing, gently

It is common to worry about saying the wrong thing and so say nothing at all. In practice, most people would rather you stumbled through an imperfect sentence than avoided them entirely. If you are unsure, name it: "I don't know what to say, but I'm glad you told me."

Avoid platitudes like "Everything happens for a reason" or "At least…". That phrase almost always minimises what they are feeling. Avoid comparing your own experience unless they ask — this is their moment, not yours. And please do not disappear because you feel out of your depth. Being reliably present is more valuable than being wise.

If you are worried about their safety, ask directly and kindly whether they are having thoughts of harming themselves. Asking does not plant the idea. If they say yes, encourage them to speak to their GP urgently, and help them make the call if that feels impossible for them.

Look after yourself too

You cannot pour from an empty cup, as the saying goes. Supporting someone through a long crisis is tiring, and it is normal to feel frustrated, frightened or resentful at times. Those feelings do not make you a bad friend.

Set boundaries you can actually keep. It is better to say "I can call you on Tuesday evenings" than to promise round-the-clock availability and burn out in a month. Talk to someone you trust about how you are doing, and take time off from being the strong one. If you are carrying a lot, consider speaking to your own GP or a confidential listening service.

Kindness is not a grand gesture. It is a lasagne on a doorstep, a text that asks nothing back, and the steady, unglamorous business of turning up again next week.

Kindness

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5 Comments

Robert Sonny says Jul 21, 2024 at 10:00am

I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system
Reply
- John Abraham says Jul 21, 2024 at 10:00am
  
  I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system
  Reply
  - Robert Sonnysays Jul 21, 2024 at 10:00am
    
    I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system
    Reply
Robert Sonny says Jul 21, 2024 at 10:00am

I must explain to you how all this mistaken idea of denouncing pleasure and praising pain was born and I will give you a complete account of the system
Reply

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